The Monster Within.

This semester has been a tragedy thus far. I have so much expectations on myself that every weekend, I fall into the pattern of studying at least 6 hrs.

There is this sense about me that my first semester's poor GPA of 3.7 was down to (some) lousy project mates and, lots of effort in studying and yet not studying the right way.

And in my second semester, I got over all this and was rewarded with a GPA of 4.45 or something like that. Overall, that's 4.06.

Now, i'm not showing off, so what has all this got to do with anything?

Well, i started this sem with one goal- to get into the Dean's List. I still want to. But now, I've realised the costs that come with it.

Honestly, I'm feeling a little burnt out.

Tired, from a lack of sleep.

Sick from too many readings and projects. Especially in some projects where I feel like I have to carry the whole world on my shoulders, just in case my project mates are incompetent (like my first semester).

Depressed that I have a new computer game (and I only played one stage so far, even though I've had it for one month!)

Irritated that I haven't had time to watch TV, and haven't touched a soccer ball for two months.

Pissed off at myself for letting my frustrations get the better of me, such that I've been temperamental and emotional and keep taking it out on poor Jamie.

Oh screw it all- i've had enough. From now on, I won't put so much pressure on myself. I'll just try my best and if i get to the Dean's List then fine. If not, I can live with that.

In my quest to become The Boy Who Has Everything, I have forgotten that I already had all the important things in life- great girlfriend, wonderful family, a comfortable and meaningful life, etc, etc. And I may just have thrown it all away.

I don't want to become some guy who abuses his gf when he's pissed, who's too exhausted to care for those he cares about, who's forgotten how to enjoy life, who's lost touch with his inner soul.

Or have I already become that?

I hate the man i've become lately. I don't even recognize him.

I look in the mirror and i see a monster.

"Is it too late for me to turn back? To live life the way it should be lived?? Has the paper chase turned me into a monster???"