Waiting for her to call...

Its Friday night and i'm still awake when all i want to do is sleep.

Why?

Jamie's handphone has no battery and i'm hoping she'll call me after her night out with Meiyi.

Why does her handphone have no batt?

Cuz i spent the entire morning giving her missed calls cuz i hated the fact that she was still angry with me. And her hp rang about 50 times before she finally had a 20 minute chat with me and finally it died.

I just want to hear from her cuz:

a) I want to know she's home safe and sound
b) It would reassure me she still cares for me cuz i feel so unloved by her now that i've caused her to hate me.

I know i'm silly and i know she probably won't call but here i am, still pretending to study so i can wait for her call.

Meanwhile, all Jamie's friends probably think i'm some kinda bastard, which i admit, when i'm angry, i am.

And yet, i do love her so much, and i've tried to change over the past month and be a better boyfriend but screw my nasty temper, it always screws me up.

And to make matters worse, tomorrow she's going to go to Timothy's (cue unmentionable bad word) birthday party and i can't help but wonder what she'll do if some guy hits on her. Normally he wouldn't stand a chance but this is not normally.

Like Jamie's mum said, she deserves better and i guess it would really be God teaching me a lesson if tomorrow some bastard hit on her. And God knows her friends would encourage her to ditch me for another guy (and maybe, rightfully too).

And if you wonder why i'm writing about all this and exposing dirty laundry for all to see. It doesn't matter anymore does it? Besides i need to get this pain out.

If i lose her, i will be in no state to date for years so who cares what anyone thinks about me.

Anyway, confidence is at an all time low. I really have started to think i am a lousy guy.

Like she said, i'm a calculative and selfish person and i'm also a temperamental bastard who abuses his girlfriend.

So there you have it, no redeeming qualities for me.

We should be happy. Its 11 months tomorrow (actually right now).

But i won't even be seeing her tomorrow. And she won't want to think of the 11 months.

And its all my fault.

I hate myself. Much more than she can ever hate me.

Chris says:"Thanks to all my friends who made me laugh at school (especially Maybel for being a good listener), and Janus and CM who kept me company on the way home. Unfortunately, its really lonely now."